This life I lead

I am growing ever so more lonesome , I have in fact grown accustom to my solitary life, but at times , the loneliness haunts me so.How I long for my man to be here by my side . Which leads me to dwell on the inevitable .. I have been cursed unlovable ..to in love with my solitude .... to wrapped up on emotion and sadness. What could I offer to anyone other than my burdening , or my hardship ??....

Maybe in another life, maybe I will be that beautiful mortal who builds their life not on mere abidance , but for love itself and in its beauty..

My face and my body although a abstinent shell of my soul , it has transformed its appearance to me in the mirror .... I can no longer see anything but what I want to wash away.... it is not all so desperate though as I cannot mourn for what I cannot know.. but only that I am frustrated with what I can't. Am I truly in my reflection and I cannot see ?? or am I just gone forever?

I do not feel anger nor so I feel gratitude towards my Creator. Rather I feel curiosity and confusion. I know he suffers his own heartbreak and torment at his own expense! why ? why does he do this ? I do not know . How can he give me this life and not love me? but I can't blame him solely for this ordainment as I remember my human self begging of his gift .... foolish in my passion I asked for his ever lasting youth . I longed to lead a life that did not exists and this was my mistake alone. youth only lasts on the outside ..but my heart has grown tired and my insides feel as if they rot...

The darkness now is the only companionship I have been rewarded ..... my sanctuary or my prison .... it is both. I am calm and I am rational but that does not will the pain to subside!

I wish not this life on anyone ....

Until the dawn ... la revedere......xx