This life I lead

I am growing ever so more lonesome , I have in fact grown accustom to my solitary life, but at times , the loneliness haunts me so.How I long for my man to be here by my side . Which leads me to dwell on the inevitable .. I have been cursed unlovable ..to in love with my solitude .... to wrapped up on emotion and sadness. What could I offer to anyone other than my burdening , or my hardship ??....

Maybe in another life, maybe I will be that beautiful mortal who builds their life not on mere abidance , but for love itself and in its beauty..

My face and my body although a abstinent shell of my soul , it has transformed its appearance to me in the mirror .... I can no longer see anything but what I want to wash away.... it is not all so desperate though as I cannot mourn for what I cannot know.. but only that I am frustrated with what I can't. Am I truly in my reflection and I cannot see ?? or am I just gone forever?

I do not feel anger nor so I feel gratitude towards my Creator. Rather I feel curiosity and confusion. I know he suffers his own heartbreak and torment at his own expense! why ? why does he do this ? I do not know . How can he give me this life and not love me? but I can't blame him solely for this ordainment as I remember my human self begging of his gift .... foolish in my passion I asked for his ever lasting youth . I longed to lead a life that did not exists and this was my mistake alone. youth only lasts on the outside ..but my heart has grown tired and my insides feel as if they rot...

The darkness now is the only companionship I have been rewarded ..... my sanctuary or my prison .... it is both. I am calm and I am rational but that does not will the pain to subside!

I wish not this life on anyone ....

Until the dawn ... la revedere......xx

When the Night ends

Dawn is upon me , I do not feel irritable as I often do in this time though, I feel a sudden rush of calmness and ease ...not because I will lay soon , but because I feel very thankful for its silence it has brought with it this day. I find great comfort in standing out on my balcony looking over the empty streets of the city , just observing and reflecting on my thoughts which plague me . I find my ease in gazing into the moon which lingers and grapples onto night's solitude as I do as well. There are no busy humans crowding the sidewalks and shops as there is at night though. The only thing I hear in these moments are the tiny creatures scavenging and scurrying and this does not bother me anymore as I have grown used to it. I sit here typing sipping from my reserve this is a special treat for me for times like these ... as I do not have the desire to leave my dwelling to hunt ... I do not have the desire for human companionship . Morning will be here soon enough though and with it will bring the sun's hot glow and the busy little humans and this is but bittersweet , how I long to be like them someways and explore all the little shops ,and dine on fancy foods ...but the sun it has become my biggest distaste of course . I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to write in here next and I think it will be of my home , what I remember about it , as I find my mind growing tired I would like to record them before they start to fade away from me. I have a lot of things to catch up on this dawn before I lay but I don't feel compelled to do them , I am just tired and my bed is inviting to me in this moment.
I heard from a dear friend ,whom is still travelling to keep his nights fulfilled , he is but young yet. It makes me smile to remember those days in my life. I suppose I will respond to him in due time , when my heart feels a bit more committed to the task. I do not have anything to say right now I am just exhausted..........

Until the dawn ... la revedere....xx