Screaming Silently

I know I have not written anything in here in many risings,I have been absent of inspiration. These forlorn thoughts consume me ,eating at my soul till I feel as if there is not much of me anymore to give to anything or anyone. I am Tired of these long dragging nights , and seek to meet the dawn most often. I do not know what keeps me here anymore as I just feel hallow and empty inside the more the sun rises and sets.
The touch of a man has come to make me dispassionate to my prey these days, I cannot bare the touch of a man that is not him human or otherwise without feeling ill.
I've tried so long to ignore the broken shards cutting at my heart, but the pain it becomes relentless ... I can no longer ease this pain....the wall I have built has become stronger over time to strong for me to hold up.

His face it still haunts me so that I can longer see past his dark eyes piercing me with love and conviction... the shadows and curves of his facial features and his black hair falling to hide his dismay... how I long to push it away from his beautiful face and inspect him every inch of him to know he is safe and alive , to hold him to my heart so that he can hear my love for him.

How long must I be cursed to live on without him? , I am asked the impossible!. I am just alone and lost without him I do not see my way, everything has become to dark. I am cold without his warmth and weak without his strength... I will him to breath into me and make me real again but I no longer feel his presence with me anymore , I feel he has passed on to another life without me and I have lost him forever.

This truth is wrenching at my gut ,my heart feels as though it is dieing and spreading its rot through my entire body to cause me ache and despair ... I fear I cannot bare much longer this way....

I cannot pray to god I cannot beseech him for mercy as he does not hear my cry , I'm only forsaken and no longer his child...


I can do no more than mourn my loss for him every single day ,as my heart does not beat the same rhythm without his heart guiding mine ...

Until the dawn.... la revedere..xx

It's in the air

The day has lingered on as all the rest .. I mainly sleep on and off for most of the day ,drowsy from the sun and heat .... but some days ,as today,In between my most deepest of sleep I just lay with many thoughts swirling in my mind. I try to remember pieces of my childhood , my home, my parents, my life as a mortal more clear.... sometimes I am more successful that others. Disturbing thoughts also could my mind.... flashes of the humans I have drunken from .....although I have only taken the life of a human once in my long existence ...it still haunts me greatly.

Lately though most of my thoughts have surrounded around my once greatest love. I cannot seem to get the images of his departure out of my visions. It is the most painful thing I feel each day over and over again as if there is to be no end . Seeing his blood spill to the earth like water before my very eyes , and the pain wrought upon his previously perfect beautiful face.That memory is not something I usually wish to talk about any longer ,as it causes me more despair each time .

It is but my greatest task to not feel anger upon his foes. To not seek revenge is my hardest challenge . I often wonder if it is so true that to seek revenge is to fall before the very Devil himself...it is but to go against everything ....and the universe would see fit to my very punishment for committing the simplest most satisfying deed I would ever commit . Instead I search to find reason ... why .... why would they take him and not me ?? why could they not take me and leave him to be as he rightfully deserved , but in the end I guess I do not wish that either after all as I know he would have suffered as I do each and every Minuit of the day.

How I miss him , his touch, the way he made me feel as if I was the only thing he could see despite anything that was happening around us. How he could make me laugh at the simplest of things , how he understood how I felt and would pick up on it every single time as if his very soul was linked in more ways than one to mine , and I know it was. I am not whole anymore and this is my proof. I remember laying with him in these very daylight hours anxious to make love as soon as our bodies permitted it once again . the way he hands felt upon every inch of my body and I felt as if he stole my very air to breathe for both of us. I can still feel him and this is what tortures me I know.

I often wonder the outcomes of our life together if he was still here with me. Not that we could have built the normal human life together .We could not produce a child from our love as this is nearly impossible for our race to do. We could not have had the beautiful wedding that we invited our family and closest friends to share with us. Though I longed for those things with him , we still would have been content just to be together.


I feel as if it is time for me to move on from this place as there is no longer anything left for me here. Maybe somewhere more tranquil and secluded. It will be time for me to do this soon anyways as we never stayed in one place to long . Living amongst humans is not ideal for us and usually is only to be when it will be a short stay as they tend to pry and ask all the wrong questions. I know my landlord has already grown suspicious .

It will be hard to leave this place , I have grown accustomed to everything here ,despite how it should cause me great stress. I do not want to leave our bed that his scent still lingers in. I will miss the ease of the hunt here, and my balcony to look out on over the night . It is my time though and I should remind myself of this, it will be good for me to move on as this is the only choice I have left .

I think I will go to Ireland and find a village close to the ocean , this is where I feel my most solitude with earth. The sounds of the crashing waves and the clear night sky to watch the stars and the moon. The cliffs I can look out from and smell the ocean air with the breeze surrounding me putting my discontentment at ease .The pure richness of energy in the earth's soil to rejuvenate my ever growing tired body ,This is what I need. This is where he would have wanted me to be and I can feel fate leading me there like a child tugging at the hem of my dress.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough as I have been writing this for nearly 24 hours now with no sleep and no hunt.The sun is upon me now at its fullest strength and I am feeling uncomfortable, and need to lay. This afternoon's hunt will be a long one I presume.

Until the dawn..... la revedere..xx

This life I lead

I am growing ever so more lonesome , I have in fact grown accustom to my solitary life, but at times , the loneliness haunts me so.How I long for my man to be here by my side . Which leads me to dwell on the inevitable .. I have been cursed unlovable ..to in love with my solitude .... to wrapped up on emotion and sadness. What could I offer to anyone other than my burdening , or my hardship ??....

Maybe in another life, maybe I will be that beautiful mortal who builds their life not on mere abidance , but for love itself and in its beauty..

My face and my body although a abstinent shell of my soul , it has transformed its appearance to me in the mirror .... I can no longer see anything but what I want to wash away.... it is not all so desperate though as I cannot mourn for what I cannot know.. but only that I am frustrated with what I can't. Am I truly in my reflection and I cannot see ?? or am I just gone forever?

I do not feel anger nor so I feel gratitude towards my Creator. Rather I feel curiosity and confusion. I know he suffers his own heartbreak and torment at his own expense! why ? why does he do this ? I do not know . How can he give me this life and not love me? but I can't blame him solely for this ordainment as I remember my human self begging of his gift .... foolish in my passion I asked for his ever lasting youth . I longed to lead a life that did not exists and this was my mistake alone. youth only lasts on the outside ..but my heart has grown tired and my insides feel as if they rot...

The darkness now is the only companionship I have been rewarded ..... my sanctuary or my prison .... it is both. I am calm and I am rational but that does not will the pain to subside!

I wish not this life on anyone ....

Until the dawn ... la revedere......xx

When the Night ends

Dawn is upon me , I do not feel irritable as I often do in this time though, I feel a sudden rush of calmness and ease ...not because I will lay soon , but because I feel very thankful for its silence it has brought with it this day. I find great comfort in standing out on my balcony looking over the empty streets of the city , just observing and reflecting on my thoughts which plague me . I find my ease in gazing into the moon which lingers and grapples onto night's solitude as I do as well. There are no busy humans crowding the sidewalks and shops as there is at night though. The only thing I hear in these moments are the tiny creatures scavenging and scurrying and this does not bother me anymore as I have grown used to it. I sit here typing sipping from my reserve this is a special treat for me for times like these ... as I do not have the desire to leave my dwelling to hunt ... I do not have the desire for human companionship . Morning will be here soon enough though and with it will bring the sun's hot glow and the busy little humans and this is but bittersweet , how I long to be like them someways and explore all the little shops ,and dine on fancy foods ...but the sun it has become my biggest distaste of course . I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to write in here next and I think it will be of my home , what I remember about it , as I find my mind growing tired I would like to record them before they start to fade away from me. I have a lot of things to catch up on this dawn before I lay but I don't feel compelled to do them , I am just tired and my bed is inviting to me in this moment.
I heard from a dear friend ,whom is still travelling to keep his nights fulfilled , he is but young yet. It makes me smile to remember those days in my life. I suppose I will respond to him in due time , when my heart feels a bit more committed to the task. I do not have anything to say right now I am just exhausted..........

Until the dawn ... la revedere....xx

my heart , my soul, my love

Great time has passed since I last was able to see his face or touch him and caress his skin gently with my finger tips ...to feel my lips on his neck and to sink into his warm flesh and his sweet honey. My heart it aches so , it yearns for his presence like nothing else and nobody other. I have accompanied other men for their blood but it will never satisfy my body's need for his inside of me and around me ..his blood flowing through my veins making my soul call for his . It is the only thing left I can feel, and it hurts , as if I am suffocating or I have decided to face the mornings light and walk into the sun . I do not know what to do with this aggravation anymore it consumes me.

I can vividly hear his laughs , his sighs, and his utter silence which I adored him for at times... we enjoyed our silence together .... now the silence ,it tortures me. I can see his smiles , and his anger , I can see his pain and it is but bittersweet to me ... I long to hold these memories despite their relentless resolve at my aching heart . Why would fate deliver me this godly creature whom changed my entire life and being as I knew , but to take him away from me and twist apart my insides ? Why would fate be so cruel to take him from me and leave me here to weep for him , not just for a long life ,but for all of eternity?.... does it not hear my cries ? or am I just not sought redeemable of my sins and this is my greatest punishment it deems fit?

Each and every day , I lay prisoner in my room , in the darkness ,safe from the world that has labeled me forsaken. I think of him while I do mindless things . Twirling my hair the way he would have . I suppose this would be when I do my deepest contemplating ... but I am jsut restless as I roll around in bed with my sheets twisting and turning as if to rid myself of the tension..sobbing into my pillow just wishing it was him.

To my sweet love , I hear you and I will love you forever, for my eternity , I will not stop and you must know this and never forget , I pray to you to hear me and wait for me in your resting grounds, wait for me to join you I beg of you.

I feel as though I have poured my heart out to the best I am capable of at this time .. and it is due time for me to drink.

Untill the dawn - la revedere ....xx

Contemplative

Perhaps I may tend to use this more than I had intended , it is nice to have a journal... even though I know there will be not any mortal who could feel the depths of my sorrow. My days grow more weary with time, I know I could probably confess that with each and every passing day. I grow bored and tired with this place like I grow tired hearing the clock tick and watching the dust swirl around in the tiny delicate air currents that conspire in my bedroom.... even with the shades closed tight I can feel the suns arrival and it is making me uneasy and restless ...I feel irritable ...

I have but read every piece of literature in the towns small and frail library , I have but seen every amazing structure which amazed me at one time. I have searched the Internet world countless hours ... for this I feel lucky as my brothers and sisters before me would have not had this opportunity to see what the world would become, still I feel just great un-satisfaction.

I am lacking my once young and spirited mind.... I feel as though my body finally is growing old and my mind follows it's call....but I remain the same on the outside ..this disturbs my inner emotions immensely.

what man would dare touch my cold skin anyways, but that is not my concern I suppose I have even grown tired of companionship as well....

what does this universe have left to offer such a dark soul and heart full of sins such as mine?... a wretched half monster and half woman as great as I !? I know not what I am fully anymore....
I can no longer remember my rights and wrongs only feel them after my dirty deeds have been wrought. But I know... I know in my heart I was a good person once in this life of mine. If only I could remember her. If I could remember my life as a mortal , more than mere bits and pieces I could feel a tiny bit of solace .

I suppose it is time for me to stop dwelling on these matters for now , as it has done me no good.
the sun is upon me and I will go lay now....

untill the dawn - la revedere ....xx

She has a little creepy cat and a little creepy bat ....

Yeh.............. so I really have nothing intereting to write about right now , I'm just bored because I get up at crack of dawns ass then dick around till it's time to get ready, not by choice mind you. so I figured I will make this first entry my formal introduction...my name is Hannah Adria Popovici ...you should all know I am extremely old ( yeh older than your 100 yr old gramma ) and I am tired of this pathetic place and I am cursed to be here for all eternity ... so I get a bit grouchy. secondly most Important I am immortal and I have strong aversions to the sun ( and food) therefore I will not be recording my daily transpondings durring the daylight hours . Thirdly if I had to hear another piece of your modern day "music" I think I would try to kill myself ( not that it would work ) . luckily in about 45 minutes it will be time for me to go ready the fledglings and start my hunt on innocent prey ....( don't worry your pet is safe --I don't like animal blood). that is all for now .............la revedere .......xx